Slowing Down.

At some point in our lives, some of us may decide and opt to go slow for some reasons. It can be because of the relentless pace of life, the hectic rush from one thing to another, and the perpetual chasing of the next deadlines. Or even the stress and anxiety that had befallen us because of something that had happened in our life. All these may have taken a toll on a person's health or even on their relationships. So they consciously decide to slow down. It was an "intentional" shift. I recalled, 25 years ago, I opted to go slow by resigning from my pensionable service at age 44. I was a head of operations during the 911 incident. After the incident, I was completely drained and tired, and consciously decided to resign. I intentionally opted to slow down. The slowing down is not a physical one, but a slow down or shift from my hectic work life.

But, in the present time, for someone like me, seriously ill & infirm or for those who have infirmity, slowing down is a default, set in place by the body, involuntary. This default was set without my will or conscious control. It is "unintentional." For me, the moment I awoke from my deep slump in end April 2025,  which is 2 months ago, my life has gone into a slow down mode. Physical slow down.

While I have suddenly recovered very well physically, my actions were slow and deliberate. It is a slowing down.

- Now I walk very slowly, feeling every steps of the ground and surface, unhurried. It allows me to breathe slowly. And I could smell the air. I could even feel the wind on the surface of my skin.

- Now I eat very slowly. I begin to enjoy the aroma of my morning cup of Milo or Horlicks. My daily simple breakfast of bread, and meals of rolled oats and plain porridge are now a joy.

- I have in my slowness developed a greater awareness of my surroundings and feelings.

- I feel less anxious and this have led me to a sense of calm and peace.

- slowing down have made me to become more appreciative of small moments in life.

- I can now focus much better on the things I want to do and to achieve.

- slowing down makes me reflect on my blessings and cultivates in me an attitude of gratitude.

- slowing down allows me to embrace a more intentional and meaningful way of living. And, makes me prioritise my relationship with God and my loved ones.

- I also realise that slowing down allows me time to slowly soak in the wisdom of life.

Jeremiah 2:25

"Slow down. Take a deep breath. What is the hurry."

This verse challenges us to be mindful of our pace and to  consider the consequences of rushing. And be mindful of the present moment.

I Remember, Doctor Samantha Koh.

A pink rose for Doctor Samantha Koh, to show my profound gratitude to her.

On the morning of 4th June, I received a call from a Doctor Samantha. She called my private home line. I picked up the phone and heard a somewhat familiar voice introducing, "Hello, I am Doctor Samantha. Are you Mr. Ding? Can you remember me?" The name rings a bell in my embedded memory. It was the 'only' doctor's name that appeared in a little notebook I kept beside my bed when I was hospitalised. That period was before my liver transplant on the 11th of July, 2024.

During the period before and after my transplant, Sue told me that I had a loss of memory. Some doctors suspected I had dementia. So, Sue and Debbie kept a little notebook on my bedside to remind me of my daily things to do and to give me words of encouragement. Also, I cannot remember all the happenings or recall the name of the doctors and staff who had attended to me.

In Daniel 6:22 - "And my God sent his angel and shut the lions mouths, so that they did not hurt me."

Later that day, I told Sue and Debbie about the call from Doctor Samantha. Both of them vividly remember Doctor Samantha Koh. Among the many doctors, specialists, and surgeons who had seen me, Sue and Debbie can only remember one name, "Doctor Samantha Koh." She was the "only" doctor who had interacted directly and reached out to Sue & Debbie during that period when they were deeply distressed and traumatised by my languishing condition and loss of memory.

Today, Doctor Samantha Koh can still remember me. And she called to check on me even though 11 months had past. She is now stationed at Sengkang General Hospital.

Here is my dedication to Doctor Samantha Koh:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I languished in pain with my failing liver,

Every moment is like a tide retreating from the shore.

But you were there to tend the fractured light of the light house,

Creating a path through the darkness,

To keep me steering on the right course.

You became the compass my wife and daughter could clutch,

And now my adopted liver hums on borrowed time.

Thank you for helping me and my family to see the daybreak again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since the end of April, when I started to wake up from my deep slump, I feel extremely grateful to the many people who have never abandoned me or given up hope on me. I feel a very deep sense of gratitude to them, and one of them is Doctor Samantha Koh.

Afternote : There was another person whom I have very deep memory and impression of is "Ann Chow." She was there all the time after my liver transplant. She was there every morning with the team of doctors, on their daily rounds. In my unwell state, I remembered she often whispered words of comfort and encouragement in my ear. I feel a deep sense of gratitude towards her.

Daybreak

Daybreak represents new beginnings and hope. It is a return of light after a period of darkness. For me, it is a time for quiet reflections and deep thoughts. It is my favourite time of the day and a time of clarity. It is also my favourite time for jogging when the rest of the world is asleep.

Daybreak along the way from Kota Bahru to Butterworth.

Daybreak along Penang Bridge

Daybreak at Lake Kenyir.

Daybreak at Batu Feringhi.

Daybreak at Changi Point. 

Daybreak at East Coast Park.

Daybreak at Sengkang Wetland.

Daybreak—with its burst of gorgeous and vibrant colours, is truly a never-ending gift from God to us. It is a showcase of the beauty of nature. Unconsciously, I have been seeking the companionship of daybreak since my early adulthood until now. In the past, daybreak brought with it the peace I needed, the time for me to reflect, and the energy for me to start my day. Now, daybreak gives me strength, comfort, and courage to move on, despite the troubling pain inflicted by my poor health and the disturbing side effects from my daily medications.

Up and Down

One day I am good, and the next day I am not. I am OK with this normal.

I was at the liver transplant centre yesterday. My endocrinologist had arranged this appointment to update me on the results and the necessary follow-up on my recent bone x-ray (bone mineral densitometry or BMD). The test results are as follows:

1. The x-ray shows that I have a fracture on my backbone, L11. From the x-ray, I could see my L11 has been compressed to a slightly smaller thickness as compared to my L12. In addition, I could see that there is also a dark layer, which is likely the fracture. I told my doctor that I do not feel anything at all and that I am perfectly well.

2. The results also show that the bone mass of my hip has deteriorated as compared to my last test done on 23 July 2024. He said that I need to go on medication. I expressed my concern that the medication will further damage my kidney. He agreed and recommended a 6-monthly injection. The medicine for the injection will not affect my kidney. As I have been bedridden and immobile for a long while, he told me to do brisk walks and exercises to build up my muscle mass. He added that I must not fall. I agreed. I can do it.

3. For the hydrocortisone that I have been taking twice daily, it has proven positive for my hormone therapy. However, he does not recommend an increased dosage, as it may damage my adrenal gland and prevent my body's ability to produce cortisol.

On the whole, he added that I am progressing well in my recovery.

To Know OR Not To Know?

To know or not to know, that is the question. There are situations where knowing the truth might be emotionally challenging. Under such situations, maybe ignorance is preferable. I am talking about knowing my mortality, or rather, when my life will end.

The thing is, knowing led me to insights, improved decision-making, and allowed me to take the right action. It empowers me to make informed decisions and take control of my life. But, on the other hand, such truth has been difficult, unsettling, and painful for me to face. It has led me to some extent of anxiety, fear, and depression.

Not knowing the truth of my situation is perhaps less daunting than facing a "known" for me. It may give me a sense of normalcy and hope.

Looking at the scale of knowing:

"Not knowing that you don't know.

Knowing that you don't know. Not knowing that you know.

Knowing that you know."

Here, I'm talking about knowing my survivability or mortality as a liver transplant patient with a complex medical condition. Having studied diligently the studies and survey statistics done on liver transplant patients by Singapore's NUH & SGH, the National Library of Medicine, and the Mayo Clinic, as well as other reputable studies, I have now arrived at my conclusion. I am not likely to live beyond 5 years after my transplant on 10 July 2024. Which means my expiry date is any time from now to 9 July 2029!

According to the various studies, the factors that will determine when I will expire are as follows :

1. Age Factor—At 69 years old now, my survivability is a lot poorer as compared to a younger person. In view of this, some liver specialists from the US had discussed whether to have a cutoff age of 68 for liver transplants. I had my liver transplant last year (July 2024) at 68 years old.

2. Patient Medical Issues—My damaged left kidney, which is medically induced, has serious implications for my survivability. The irreversible damage to my kidney is mainly caused by my lifelong anti-rejection drug "Advagraf."

3. Gender—The survivability for males is poorer than for females.

4. Source of my transplanted liver—My transplanted liver came from a deceased person. Survivability in this case is poorer compared to if the liver comes from a living donor.

In conclusion, based on the facts of my situation and the factors influencing my survivability, I'm not likely to live beyond 5 years. My age, my complex medical conditions, my gender, and my having a deceased liver will decide when, between now and July 2029, my life will expire.

On the whole, viewing my situations through a bird's-eye view has actually strengthened my resolve to live. Miracles do happen. And there are exceptions.