Thank You, Nurses at Ward 45A

 

Thank You Nurses of Ward 45A SGH

Dear Nurses of Ward 45A,

I am writing to express my heartfelt appreciation and thankfulness for the exceptional care I received during my stay from 14 to 24th October (with the first 3 days in Observation Area). Having been hospitalised on numerous occasions, I can confidently say that Ward 45A stands up as the best.

The kindness, attentiveness and efficiency of each nurse made a difference in my recovery. I was also impressed with the quality of the room and the delicious meals provided. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Joey, Evelyn, Sara, Yong Xin, Jia Yin, Bryan, Shahira, Sean, Farhana, Vanessa, Raj, Robert, Jun Hong, Fayu, Eileen, Jie Ying, Amiroon, Maricel, Miranda, Chantel, Khin, Saleh, Daniel, Nora, and others, whom I may have missed when I was sleeping or away for tests, for all your hard work and dedication.

Sincerely,

Ding Ting Hock 

Ward 45A Room 2

31 October 2025

My Thoughts and Reflection on My Liver and Kidney Conditions

This is a record of my medical challenges from

10 to 24 October -> 30 October -> 5 November -> 12 November 2025.

After a liver panel test done on the 13th of October, my results showed signs of liver rejection. This was alerted by my keen-eyed medical coordinator, Beverly. She consulted Dr. Terrence Tan, whom I came to see as a competent and conscientious doctor, who quickly assessed and followed up on my situation. I was immediately told by Beverly that Dr. Terrence advised me to report to the A&E immediately for admission.

I reported to the SGH A&E one day later on 14 October. This event kicks off a series of processes in my mind—observation of my symptoms; assessments and evaluations of my medical conditions; interpretations and understanding of what the test data means; gathering my thoughts after the interpretations; and finally reflecting and musing on the analysis and its implications.

In the first 2 to 3 weeks of October, my results show that my liver was struggling to perform, and there was a parallel deterioration of my kidney function. It suggests the possibility of a rejection or medication toxicity.

My liver/kidney trend from 10 October to 12 November 2025 is as follows:

1. Liver Trend

From the liver panel test done on the 13th of Oct, my liver enzymes (ALT, AST, GGT, ALP, and bilirubin) reveal the following:

• 10 Oct to mid-Oct: 
• ALT and AST were very high (≈160–180), bilirubin was also up, and GGT was high. All these numbers painted a picture of liver inflammation.
• Late Oct (23–29 Oct): 
• ALT/AST dropped drastically (into the 70s / 50–60s range). With bilirubin coming down close to normal. The ALP stayed in the normal range. But GGT stayed high (around 110–140).
• 5 Nov to 12 Nov:
• ALT: 71 → 70 (no change, only mildly above normal).
• AST: 60 → 57 (stable, but mildly high).
• ALP: 89 → 82 (in the normal range).
• Bilirubin: 37 → 41 (mildly high but much better than that of early October).
• GGT: 154 → 178 (still high and creeping up).

As for the production of vital blood proteins like albumin and blood clotting factors, the albumin & total protein seem a bit low but stable and slightly better (TP 63→68, albumin 32→34).

• INR/PT is in a safe range and not drifting up.

• Platelets: low (65 on 10 Oct) but have been rising slowly by late Oct. It was 87 on 12 Nov.

Overall, I could see a big improvement in my liver condition as compared to that of early October. Right now, it is a mild and stable enzyme elevation. Based on the 12 Nov test results, there is no sign of a new sudden rejection. The main abnormality is the persistently high GGT, which may reflect bile-duct irritation or medications.

2. Kidney Trend

Date	Urea (mmol/L)	Creatinine (µmol/L)	eGFR (mL/min/1.73 m²)	Bicarbonate
10 Oct	7.0	111	58	28.8
29 Oct	10.5	129	48	28
5 Nov	12.7	126	50	–
12 Nov	12.7	126	50	26.9

My kidney numbers are as follows:

• From 10 Oct to late Oct, there was a worsening in my kidney functions. My creatinine rose from 111 to 129, eGFR fell from 58 to the high 40s, and urea went up.

• From late Oct → 5 Nov → 12 Nov, the values are fairly stable (creatinine ~125–130, eGFR ~50, urea ~12–13).

• Bicarbonate has stayed normal, which is reassuring.

Overall, for my kidney, I could see that I am sitting on CKD stage 3a, with a mild decline compared with 10 Oct, but there is no rapid deterioration over the last 2–3 weeks. This pattern is consistent with chronic, stable kidney impairment, likely caused by tacrolimus, rather than an acute crisis.

3. Summary

• Liver: The liver panel readings, in particular the enzymes, show improvement from a significant flare in early October. Right now, my liver has stabilized with mild abnormalities, and the graft function overall looks reasonably good. However, a persistent high GGT that needs ongoing follow-up but no obvious new damage between 5 and 12 Nov.

• Kidneys: The later results from the kidney panel, compared with that of 10 Oct, quite clearly show that my kidney function is deteriorating. But from late Oct through 12 Nov, the numbers look stable rather than steadily falling.

Put it simply, for now, based on my lab test results, my liver recovery looks encouraging, and my kidney function, while reduced, appears stable over the last few weeks—not in free fall.

Afternote: I went for my liver team appointment on the 13th of November. The team was led by Dr. Thinesh. In his review of my lab results, he indicated that my FK level appears high at 8.6 (not at trough level) when my prescribed Advagraf is at a low of 1 mg. He asked whether I mistakenly took my Advagraf before the test. I assured him that I took my Advagraf after my blood test, and I have a daily log to show.

He also mentioned the possibility of an ongoing virus during the period. And has followed up with another round of blood tests (11 tubes) on the same day.

Thank You Dr Terrence Tan, Dr George Goh, and the Liver Team

Dear Dr. Terrence Tan, Dr. George Goh, and the Liver Team,

I hope this letter finds both of you and your team of doctors and staff well. I'm writing to express my sincere gratitude for the exceptional care I received during a particularly challenging time. I especially feel a pang of regret for not having taken Dr. Terrence's advice to come in on 13 October, when my condition worsened, resulting in a day's delay for my treatment.

From the moment I reported at the A&E on the late evening of 14 October, Dr. Terrence, your presence was a constant source of reassurance. Seeing you every morning at 9 am, leading the liver team, gave me a sense of stability and confidence that I desperately needed. I truly appreciate the thoroughness with which you approached my case, from the ultrasound on 15 October to rule out liver connection issues to the scan results on 16 October and all those blood tests! I also want to thank you for arranging the biopsy so quickly on 16 October and having my liver samples sent to the investigation team on the same evening to ensure that the outcome of the biopsy results be expedited by 17 October. This level of dedication is truly above and beyond, and it meant everything to me. Thanks to your swift action, my treatment started as soon as possible. You show that you are clearly in charge right from the start on 13 October. I knew I was in good hands when I saw how competent, conscientious, and tenacious you were in your approach to my "liver rejection".

To Dr George Goh - I met you for the first time together with the liver team on 20 October. Thank you for your prompt and timely intervention on 20 October (Monday) when you noticed that my kidney creatinine level climbed from 99 to 127. The high creatinine level suggests that my kidney function is deteriorating very quickly. You reviewed my kidney issues by immediately putting me on a 24-hour plasma drip to address my hydration issue. For the next 2 days, while the new medications had brought my liver out of the woods, my creatinine level continued to climb up to 131 and 145 respectively. You decisively adjusted my Batrium and then my Acyclovir in the next 2 days in a cool, calm, and collected manner. By 23 October, my creatinine level came tumbling down to 124 with my liver continuing to improve. I am grateful for your competent, professional, and decisive actions. You throw my anxiety out of the windows with your “calm under resolute” approach. Thank you.

To the liver team - Dr Ong, Dr Stephanie, Dr Tan, Beverly, Jessie, Gaya, and Rocky - Your dedication, expertise, and genuine care have made an enormous difference in my challenging journey. While this paragraph may be short, it carries with it my most profound gratefulness for everything you've done. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

With warmest regards,

Ding Ting Hock 

A Letter of Thanksgiving

Dear Family of St Hilda’s Church, Vicar Martin, and Pastor Amy,

As I lie here in my bed at home after eleven challenging days in hospital, my heart overflows with gratitude that I must express in words.

First and foremost, I give praise and thanks to God for His mercy and faithfulness. While living with a transplanted liver and damaged kidney, I have learned to lean heavily on His grace. During my recent medical crisis, when all my test results had gone awry, I felt His presence sustaining me. The improvement shown through my treatment and new medications is nothing short of His healing hand at work. “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me” (Psalm 28:7) – these words have never felt more true.

To my dear church family at St. Hilda’s, your prayers have been a lifeline. Throughout the eleven days of emergency treatment, I felt lifted up by your prayers. Knowing that you were standing with me gave me courage when my body was weak. Thank you.

To Vicar Martin, your prayers for my recovery have meant more than words can express. Your spiritual leadership and care for my soul, especially during my medical crisis have been a tremendous blessing. Thank you for shepherding me with such compassion.

To Pastor Amy, I am deeply moved by your visit to my hospital bed to pray for me personally. In that vulnerable moment, when I was undergoing treatment and uncertainty, you brought the peace of Christ’s presence into my room. Your presence, to me was a profound comfort, and I will never forget your coming to pray for me when I needed it most.

The beautiful fruit-flower arrangement you sent speaks of life, hope, and beauty – It is now a daily reminder of your love and God’s goodness.

Though my journey continues, I know that I am surrounded by God’s love expressed through all of you. May His Shalom peace be upon you as it has been upon me, and may He bless you abundantly for the blessing you have been to me.

With deepest gratitude,

Ding Ting Hock 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” (Psalm 107:1)

SWOT Analysis of my Latest Medical Condition

This is my second personal SWOT analysis of my current medical condition. I did my first analysis in May based on the results of my liver test results. This second one is based on the results of my kidney test done yesterday on 10 October.

Over the past few months, I have been closely monitoring my post-liver transplant recovery and my kidney function, which has shown signs of deterioration. My most recent blood test on 10 October indicated that my creatinine level had risen to 111 µmol/L and my CKD-EPI eGFR had fallen to 58, compared to 102 µmol/L and 64, respectively, from four weeks earlier. This decline suggests that my kidneys may be deteriorating faster than expected. I have since alerted my liver team, and they have scheduled a repeat test and a review of my FK (tacrolimus) level to determine whether my Advagraf dose can be reduced to lessen the impact on my kidneys.

To better understand my current condition and identify what I should do next, I have chosen to apply a SWOT analysis—a tool commonly used in business—to my medical situation. This helps me to see not only what is happening medically to me, but also how my personal strengths and circumstances can influence my recovery.

Strengths—One of my greatest strengths lies in my being resilient and my commitment to follow medical advice from my medical team. I have made it a point to take my medications punctually, maintain a liver- and kidney-friendly diet, and stay hydrated with around two liters of water daily. I also have strong family support, especially in managing meals and helping me to stick to my dietary restrictions. I monitor my condition carefully and promptly alert my liver transplant coordinators whenever I notice changes, as I did with the recent kidney test results. My being attentive has allowed my medical team to respond quickly. These strengths form the foundation of my recovery despite the challenges.

Weaknesses—At the same time, I face a number of ongoing weaknesses. Insomnia continues to disrupt my sleep, leaving me with about five hours of total sleep in short segments across the day. I often feel drowsy and fatigued and experience blurred vision and weakened legs, which may be linked to my medications or my declining kidney function. The anti-rejection drug (Advagraf), which is essential for protecting my transplanted liver, is now contributing to kidney damage, creating a difficult trade-off between two vital organs. My mobility has lately been affected too, and my physical stamina is lower than before. All these weaknesses have limited my independence and sense of normalcy.

Opportunities— Despite these setbacks, I see opportunities in my hope for a meaningful recovery. Because I am under the care of a highly competent and coordinated team of specialists in SGH who work closely together on liver and kidney functions. The upcoming retesting and FK level assessment on the coming Monday may allow for a dose adjustment that can spare my kidneys while keeping my liver safe. With advances in post-transplant care, it can offer hope for newer, more kidney-friendly immunosuppressants or supportive treatments. On my part, I can further make an effort to improve areas such as rest quality, strength, and energy management. Most importantly, I believe this is still an early stage of kidney decline, and timely medical intervention can make a real difference.

Threats—However, my current situation also carries significant threats. The most pressing is the potential for rapid kidney deterioration if my current medication levels remain unchanged. The side effects—tiredness, dizziness, weakness, and blurred vision—already impact my daily functioning and could worsen. Managing the delicate balance between liver protection and kidney preservation is medically complex, requiring precise adjustments. Beyond the physical issues, there is also the emotional strain of coping with chronic fatigue and uncertainty, which could affect my mental well-being. Finally, being immunocompromised means I remain vulnerable to infections and other complications that could further burden my health.

The conclusion from my SWOT analysis is that it has helped me to view my medical condition with clarity and structure. It reveals that while the threats and weaknesses are real and serious, they are counterbalanced by my strong internal strengths—discipline, awareness, and family support—and by external opportunities such as expert medical care and evolving treatment options. The key lies in how to leverage my strengths and opportunities to mitigate the risks (coming from the weaknesses and threats) ahead.

In practical terms, this would mean maintaining close communication with my liver transplant coordinators and doctors, continuing my disciplined routines, and staying open to adjustments in treatment or lifestyle that protect both my liver and kidneys. My journey after transplant remains challenging, but it is not without hope. With proper and timely management of my changes, close medical consultation with my medical team, and my resilience, I believe I can continue to navigate this recovery journey towards a more balanced and stable situation.

You Are What You Think You Are

I was reflecting on "you are what you think you are."

Fifteen months ago, I had a liver transplant. That was 11 July 2024. The liver came from a deceased person. The transplant gave me a second chance at life. And I begin a journey that I hadn't fully anticipated—one where my body doesn't quite feel like mine and where my recovery has been anything but linear.

The medications that keep my transplanted liver functioning have compromised other parts of me. My mobility faltered, and I feel unsteady, with weakened legs, blurry vision, and dizziness most of the time. Initially, I found myself relying on walking aids like a wheelchair and a walking stick. I was navigating a world that suddenly felt smaller and less accessible. This wasn't the recovery I had imagined during those difficult days before my transplant. I thought that, after the transplant, I would simply be feeling normal again.

Then in April 2025, something in my body shifted. I cannot pinpoint a single moment or reason, but suddenly I felt like myself again. I could feel that my physical condition and mental state had returned. I was like a new version of myself that I could actually live with. I discarded my wheelchair and walking stick then. My dizziness seems to have receded into the background. I began taking public transport to my medical appointments alone, feeling the independence I had lost slowly returning to me. For those weeks, I was convinced I had turned a corner. My body seemed to be catching up to my will to be well.

But this past month has told a different story. My dizziness, unsteadiness, weakened legs, and blurry vision have intensified. My walking stick, which I had proudly set aside, is back in my hand. The independence that I felt so solid in April now feels fragile and conditional. With these physical changes, I am faced with a troubling realization: I am becoming what I think I am.

When I believed I was recovering in April, my body seemed to follow. Now, as doubt creeps in, I feel myself declining. I wonder—am I creating this reality with my thoughts? Is my mind dragging my body down, or is my body simply telling me truths my mind doesn't want to accept?

Conventional wisdom tells me to "think positive," to visualize healing, and to believe in my recovery. And there is truth in this—April proved that my mental state matters. When I saw myself as being very resilient, I became better. When I believed in my strength, I found reserves I didn't know I had.

But there is a darker side to "you are what you think you are" that I rarely want to think or talk about. When my body genuinely struggles, when medications create real limitations, when dizziness, weakened legs, blurry vision, and unsteadiness are not just in my head but a physical consequence of keeping my transplanted liver alive—what then? Does positive thinking become a burden when my body just won't cooperate?

I find myself walking a tightrope between two dangerous extremes. On one side is the belief that I can think my way to wellness and that my current struggles are failures of mindset rather than realities of my medical situation. This leads me to the exhausting work of maintaining relentless positivity even when my body screams otherwise.

On the other side is resignation—the belief that I am simply declining, that April was a brief illusion, and that this is who I am now and will always be. This thought leads me to give up on the possibilities that might still exist—the good days that might return—and on the independence I tasted and might taste again.

The truth lies somewhere in the uncomfortable middle. Yes, I am partly who I think I am. My mindset shapes my experience, my willingness to try, and my ability to push through challenges. When I believed I could walk without my wheelchair, that belief helped make it possible. My thoughts opened doors that my body could then walk through.

But I am also who my body tells me I am. The medications are real. The dizziness, weakened legs, blurry vision, and unsteadiness are real. The compromised mobility is real. These are not failures of positive thinking but consequences of the complex medical reality I now inhabit. My transplanted liver is keeping me alive, even as the medications that protect it create new limitations.

Perhaps the wisdom isn't in choosing between mind and body, between positive thinking and physical reality. Perhaps it's in holding both truths at once: I am affected by what I think, and I am also living in a body with genuine constraints. My thoughts matter, but they are not omnipotent. My limitations are real, but they are not the whole story.

April taught me that improvement is possible, that my body can surprise me with its resilience. This difficult month reminds me that recovery is not a straight line, that setbacks don't erase progress, and that I may need my walking stick today even if I didn't need it yesterday.

I am who I think I am—but I am also learning to think more complexly about who I am. I am someone living with a transplanted liver. I am someone whose body has real limitations and real possibilities. I am someone who has good months and bad months. I am someone still learning to be both hopeful and realistic, both determined and self-compassionate.

The question isn't whether I am who I think I am. The question is: can I think about who I am with enough nuance, honesty, and compassion to honor both my struggles and my strength? Can I accept the 2 persons—the person who walked unaided in April and the person who needs a walking stick today—and recognize that both are equally real, equally me?

This is the transplant journey no one prepares me for: not just receiving a liver, but discovering who I am becoming in a body that is saved.

On My Own - A 'First'

With summertime approaching, trees are starting to show their vitality and growth.

Preface: This journal entry was made on the 2nd of May 2025. It was a time when I was beginning to feel alive after a long, deep slumber. I was in high spirits and looking forward to returning to a normal life. At that time, I set myself several milestones, or rather, things that I hope to do. After 5 months, I look back to see where I am now.

• “You never know what you can do until you try, and very few try unless they have to.” — C.S. Lewis 

Actual journal entry:

Today is 2nd of May, 2025. For the very first time in a long while, I went for my medical appointment "On My Own”. I challenged myself by travelling on public transport (I was not familiar with public transport as I had been driving since the day when I was in the University). Sue was worried, and protested repeatedly. She insisted that she must accompany me, or if not, then I should take a cab there. But I was determined to do it "On My Own." I strongly feel that there must be "A First."

I started my journey at 6:30am. The bus took me through Telok Kurau, Joo Chiat, Tanjong Katong, and Old Airport. The journey brought back plenty of fond memories. Sue and I used to stay at Telok Kurau and Amber Gardens, and we are very familiar with these areas. It was like walking down memory lane.

I arrived at the Singapore General Hospital at 8.20am. The whole journey took one hour and 50 minutes.

It's really no big deal for others. But for me, at this stage and condition, it's really a big deal. 

Having done it "On My Own—A First," I now set my sight further...

• I hope to be able to go back to church. Pastor Amy and Pastor Calvin have been visiting me regularly, praying for me, and having holy communion with me when I was languishing at home and in my hospital bed.

(Update: Unfortunately, I am still unable to go back to the church because of mobility and physical issues. Furthermore, because of my morning medications, and my inability to sleep at night, I am normally in a drowsy state between 9 am to 11.30 am.)

• I wish to travel to Malaysia to visit my mother, who is living in Klang. It has been 10 years since I last visited her. And, lately, there is this unfamthomable emotion in me, urging me to see her. I also hope to see my sister Sau Ching and Adeline.

(Update: Sadly, my physical condition has not recovered sufficiently for me to be able to travel to Klang. I have figured out and planned my transportation mode, be it by air or coach, the duration will be too long for my body to cope. But I am still determined to visit my mother within the next 2 months. Time and tide wait for no man.)

• I want to invite my best friend, Richard, to my house for a meetup. I have known him since I was 9 years old. We lost contact after our secondary school, but managed to get in touch with each other again a few years ago. Since then, he has been there praying for me, encouraging and motivating me.

(Update: Alas. I am still not in the condition to invite him to my house. It seems that, I am unlikely to fulfill this wish of mine any time soon.)

# I hope to be able to start jogging again. I used to jog very often after I retired in 2001. I love jogging, especially early in the morning, during daybreak, when the whole world is still asleep. There is also the priviledge and bonus of watching the beautiful, but solemn sunrise. Jogging gives me tremendous amount of peace, as well as an unexplainable feeling that it's a new day, and a new beginning. It's the best time for me to reflect on issues and life. My target is to tone up my body in the next 5 months, and to begin jogging in October.

(Update: October has arrived. Unfortunately, I am still in no condition to even go for walk in the park. My wish and desire to jog again may not be able to come true. Up till now, I am still struggling with my walk from one point to another. I have not even started my morning walk which my endocrinologist has asked me to. For now, I can only look forlongly to the day when I can start jogging again.)

# I wish to travel with Sue again. Maybe, a long cruise. I can still remember those days when we often go for drive trips. Once, we did a 5-day drive trip to every part of West Malaysia. From Singapore Tuas 2nd link, we drove to Johor, then to the east coast of Malaysia, passing by Pahang, Terengganu, and Kelantan (up to the Thai Border). From Kelantan, we drove westwards, passing through Perak, Kedah, and to Butterworth. At Butterworth, we boarded a ferry, together with our car to Penang. We stayed in Penang for 2 days. On our return journey, we set off from our hotel at 8am. We crossed the Penang Bridge, driving along the NE highway, passing through Perak, Selangor, Negri Sembilan, Johor, and to the Tuas 2nd link in Singapore by 5pm. It was our most exciting and memorable drive trip. And one of our most memorable time in life.

(Update: Sadly, right now, in my current condition, travelling seems to be out of the question for a long time to come. The logistics involved - like food, medications routine (drowsy period after medication), my body ability to cope, and in the event of emergencies (which I have many) would be unattainable.)

At this point, my recovery tells me that I am very resilient. On my way back from hospital today, I saw bushes of Mexican Petunia with its beautiful bloom of trumpet-shaped blue flowers. The Mexican Petunia is known to be a very resilient plant and has always been a symbol of Resilience to me. It was a wonderful sight, and a timely reminder of being resilient.

Awakening from my Deep Slump

Preface: This journal entry was made on the 1st of May 2025 and updated on the 23rd of August 2025.

The 4 seasons best describe what I have been going through in the last 1 year.

Today is the 1st day of May. It is nearing the end of Spring, and transiting into the cheerful Summer. But, before the arrival of Spring, from December to February, I was painfully struggling through the dark and cold winter of my life. Then, I was desperately trying to cling on to the little hope that was left for me. And I was trying to reread a book by Charles R. Swindoll—"Come Before Winter and Share My Hope."

When Spring approached in March, I realized that I had finally escaped from the cold NE monsoon unscathed. And as April approached, flowers were blooming, signalling a new beginning for me. I started to feel a new lease of life had returned for me, and I was recovering well. I am now looking forward to the arrival of Summer, the best season.

9 months have passed since my liver transplant, which was on 11 July 2024. But, in the last 2 months, with the arrival of Spring, I have begun to feel as if I have just awoken from a deep slump.

I can sense that my physical and mental state are changing rapidly for the better. In the last 2 weeks, I have dumped my wheelchair and walking stick. For the last 1 year, I have been living in pain and been immobile. I was either languishing in my bed at home or hospitalized. My only activity is travelling from home to the hospital for my regular 1 to 2 hospital visits every week to see 3 specialists—the liver team, a renal specialist, and an endocrinologist. Plus regular blood and urine tests. In addition to all these visits, there were emergencies like painful ribcage, painful & swollen knee, fractures, unbearable pain all over my body, and inflammation in my body.

But, in the last 5 days, I did the unimaginable things. I brought my active 5-year-old granddaughter out for the very first time. We have some adventures travelling on the public transport as well as visiting Bedok Mall. I went out without the aid of my walking stick. I must have walked with my granddaughter for at least 4 km.

Physically, I can feel that I am a lot stronger, and I am now MOBILE. Having said that, I must admit that my walking is still very unsteady, as my balancing is still off. I can only walk slowly. I still feel some pain in my legs, and I need to have frequent stops to rest my feet.

With my improving mobility, I decided to challenge myself. I will go for my next 2 medical appointments on the 2nd and 5th of May, on my own. I will do it without the aid of my walking stick and travelling by public transport. I have come a long way...

Mentally, I can feel that I am a lot more alert now. I can recall many things, events & people in my life. And I am able to analyze and execute difficult tasks. Compared to before, when I was completely hopeless—unable to even operate my handphone! Now, I am a lot more independent, and I can figure out how to go about conducting my life. My brain is like how I was 25 years ago when I retired.

I have decided to start this new journal to record the progress of my recovery and to muse & reflect on the journey of my second chance in life.

Footnote:

•Dec - Mar: refers to winter. With the NE monsoon, the days are dark and cold. It represents a period of waiting, struggles, and an ending.

•Mar - May: refers to spring. With light winds and breezes. It represents a new beginning with flowers blooming all over.

•Jun - Sep: refers to summer. With the SW monsoon, plants grow quickly. It represents passion.

•Sep - Nov: refers to autumn. With light winds and evening thunderstorms, trees lose their leaves. It represents change and reflection.

From Start to End

 

Once, we were, or will be...

I was once someone’s baby,

Someone’s son,

Someone’s brother,

Someone’s lover,

Someone’s husband,

Someone’s father,

And now, I am Someone’s grandfather,

And then, someone's memory…

As I look back, while life is filled with many ups and downs, and many challenges, I am happy to have lived through the fulfilling 7 stages successfully without missing any.

Thank You SY, Jessie And Beverly

 

Two days ago (19 July 2025), I attended the ‘Liver Transplant Support Group’ gathering for the first time. One year and 8 days have passed since I had my liver transplant. From pre-transplant (8 May to 10 July 2024) to post-transplant (from 11 July 2024 to now.) Before the end of April 2025, I was mostly in pain, immobile, and sometimes lost, and confused. I was in a state of delirium. But I could sense and selectively remember some of the people who were there, guiding me through that darkest period of my life. They include surgeons, specialist doctors/consultants, medical doctors/coordinating medical staff, and nurses. The latter 2 groups (medical doctors/coordinating medical staff, and nurses) have a special place in my heart. They will remain in my memory and my dreams for a long time. They are like my guardian angels. They are the ones who give me encouraging smile, whisper encouragement into my ears, and give me the thumbs-up sign. I can just rattle off their names - Dr Samantha Koh, Gaya, Yue Ling, SY (Seok Yin), Beverly, Jessie, Ann Chow, Mei Ling, Dr Brian Goh, Prof Tan Han Kim, Dr Kek, Dr Thinesh, Dr Chanda Ho, Dr Rahul (CGH) and many more. There were some whose names I do not know or cannot recall. In the next couple of months, as I continue to look through my notebooks (kept beside me during my long hospitalizations), my personal records, as well as when more of my memories return, I shall record them in my Journal.

At the liver transplant support group meeting, I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotions when I met 3 of my guardian angels - SY, Jessie, and Beverly. I vividly remember SY’s signature ‘thumbs-up’ sign for me, and the kind and encouraging smile from Beverly and Jessie. The reason I got emotional is because I thought I would not be able to get the opportunity to say thank you to them. They were there together with the liver team during my appointments, and responded to me when I called the SGH Liver Coordinator hotline for advice related to my liver transplant. Although they were masked up all the time, I could remember them through their eyes, accessories, and gestures, and I know when they smile even with their mask on.

The above photo shows SY (Seok Yin) standing on the extreme left. She gave a very good talk to all of us (liver transplant patients and those who are waiting to do so), as well as some timely reminders on the dos and don'ts. The next lady in uniform is Jessie. Beverly (also in uniform) is right at the far end of the room on the right side of the photo.

Here is a photo taken with Jessie (on my right) and Beverly (on my left). Their fingers show a symbolic 11, which was the date of my transplant. I wish I could also take a photo with SY (with her unique 2-color crocs).

A letter of gratitude and thankfulness, and 3 lovely roses dedicated to SY, Jessie, and Beverly:

Dearest SY, Jessie and Beverly,

My words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you. Seeing all of you make me want to tears. It was a happy day. Your kindness have shone through and leaving an imprint in my heart.

To SY - Today is the first time I saw you giving a very good long talk. You were normally quiet. I remember you for your signature ‘thumbs-up’ sign to me, as well as your kindly smile. Your ‘thumbs-up’ is like a beacon in a dark night, giving me the courage to keep going even when I doubted myself. It was a simple and yet powerful ‘thumbs-up.’ Thank you, SY.

To Jessie - Your kind smile always radiates a calming effect. The last time I communicated with you was just about  3~4 weeks ago, through the SGH Liver Coordinator hotline. Even a simple communication with you brought a sense of calm to me. Thank you, Jessie, for your gentle support.

To Beverly - Your infectious smile is like a joyful ray, dispelling fears and brightens my day. Your smile gives me the feeling that there are goodness and hope in this world, and radiates a kind of peace. It is a memory that I would cherish. Thank you, Beverly.

I am very happy to be able to record my ‘Thank You’ and express my gratitude to all of you now before I can't.

With Appreciation, 

Mr Ding Ting Hock

21-7-25

You Can’t Go Back To Your Age Again

A few days ago, I was pondering the famous monologue by William Shakespeare's "All The World's A Stage." While deliberating and musing on the monologue, I was prompted to reflect on and think about the stage of life I am in - The Final Stage. At this point, my energy level, way of looking at things, thoughts, and emotions are very different from those of my 6-year-old granddaughter, Beano, and my 40-year-old daughter, Debbie.

Beano, being a kid, is in her childhood stage. At this age, she is full of energy. She enjoys playing and is on the verge of seeing what is real and what is not (Santa Claus, Fairies, Dracula, Monsters, etc...are they real?) She is well loved and protected. And she loves her mummy and grandparents (Gong Gong & Po Po) dearly. For Beano, it is her springtime. While Debbie, at 40 years old, is an adult. She is full of drive, highly motivated, hard at work, and determined to climb the ladder to reach new heights. Debbie is living amid her summer time now. 

I was once a 6-year-old, and I live like Beano does. I was once 40 years old too, and I live life just like Debbie is doing now. But, I am now 69 years old, living with a transplanted liver and a complex medical condition. I can no longer relive life like Beano or Debbie now. I can only relive the moment. That's, I can mentally remember and recall the past stages of my life with vivid details and emotions. I can't go back to the past stages of my life and live like those times again. That kind of energy, state of mind, and feelings at the various stages can never be present again. Once a stage is past, it can never come back again. What is left, is only my memories 

I have lived each stage of my life only once. Once that stage is passed, I can no longer relive that stage again. Each stage brings with it a very different kind of energy in me, the way I view things, and emotions. To me, the 4 seasons - Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter can more or less characterize the stages of my life.

I would like to think that whatever the stages of life I have been in or am in now, I have always welcomed them with a heart of joy, despite all the ups and downs. I embraced all the life’s journey: the wonder of infancy, the playful years of childhood, the transformative journey of adolescence, the passionate and intensified pursuit of love and career in my young adulthood, the fulfilling responsibilities of family and career in adulthood, the reflective wisdom of middle age, the anticipated joys of retirement, and the peaceful acceptance of my life's final chapter.

Spring

Spring symbolizes awakening of life, and a new beginning. It represents a transition from darkness to light. It signifies the awakening of life, with flowers blooming, and animals emerging from hibernation. It was the time when my life began to unfold like a storybook. Chapter by chapter, from infancy to childhood, and from childhood to teenage years.

•Infancy - I felt the warm embrace of my family members and my parents. And despite my helplessness, I felt safe. It was contentment.

•Childhood - This stage was probably my most memorable period. It was a period of exploration, playfulness, and imaginativeness They were the carefree and playful years that was filled with fun & laughter. My playgrounds were everywhere - on the ground infront of my house, in the nearby drain, in the chicken coop, in the bushes near my house, and everywhere at home. My best childhood years in Sitiawan was abruptly ended when I was uprooted to Singapore at age 9.

(Afternote: With Debbie’s help, I have done an audio recording based on my memory of my childhood years in Sitiawan. The record covers my vivid memories of my old house, the surrounding areas, my primary school - Methodist English School, my neighbours - the Ross family & the kong pain house, and the blue St Anne’s Chapel.)

• Adolescence - It was marked by the onset of puberty and physical changes. And I begin to have my own thinking. My energy level was high, but, I was not rebellious. I spent a lot of my time and energy in swimming. And I competed at the National School Level. I also put my time to study. It was at this period that I started charting my career choice. I decided and shared with my friends that I wanted to be an engineer. I was 16 then. And I had my flutter of first crushes (with Sue). This period brought with it a whirlwind of emotions and a spirit of wanting to break free.

Summer

Summertime symbolizes a period of peak energy, vitality, and growth. It was a time of abundance, joy, optimism, passion, and the fruition of hard work for me. It was the most intense season for me.

•Young Adult - For me, it was the excitement of new beginnings and challenges. There was this hush and rush of falling in love. And my determined focus on my career development. I was filled with dreams and aspirations. I set out to pursue my goal and Sue. I studied at the Singapore Polytechnic and then the National University of Singapore. After my graduation, I joined the Republic of Singapore Navy as a uniformed military engineer.

•Adulthood - Life at this stage was fast and furious. It was the most hectic period in all my stages of life. And the time passed quickly as well. I worked hard to climb my career ladder, built and juggled my family responsibilities, and spent priority time with Debbie and Sue. By my early 40s, I was overworked, exhausted, and burned out. I don't have a mid-life crisis, but, nevertheless, I seriously re-examined my life priorities. I was then under the pensionable service scheme (retirement at 60 years old only). And if I resign early, I stand to lose my lifetime pensions. After much thought and discussions with Sue, I decided and submitted my resignation letter for early release from my pensionable service at age 44.

Autumn

Autumn represents the shift from the vibrant growth of summer to a period of dormancy and reflection. It is a period to travel, explore hobbies, and enjoy leisurely days, before the gentle waves of aging lead us to a peaceful sunset, embracing the memories of a life well-lived.

•Middle Age - Initially I thought this was going to be my best stage in life. I thought this was a period for me to savour the fruits of my labour. Unfortunately, it was not to be. It turned out good initially but became the worst near the end. Overall it was a time well spent, and I was like slowing down, just like how farmers feel at the end of a harvesting season. Sue and I spent time traveling, doing drive trips and kept our days quiet. Nearing the end of my middle age, I saw my health deteriorating and soon I was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. I was languishing in my illness, and progressively became immobile, and a loss of memory. I was in pain, despair, and loss of hope for life. With God’s grace, miraculously, I was given a second chance in life - a liver transplant, with liver from a deceased. This period was also a time for deep reflection.

Winter 

Winter symbolises the final stage of life. It represents dormancy, ending, and introspection. The cold winter brought with it challenges and struggles.

•Old Age - Now, with the autumn wind right behind me, I have sailed out of autumn into the harsh cold winter. It was a graceful transition into the cold winter. Initially I was not used to the winter, but I am loving it now. It is the stage at the end of the 4 seasons. I could feel a deep sense  of closure, gratefulness & gratitude, peace, satisfaction, and tranquil. But this stage brings with it the winter blues - the pain, immobility, side effects of my lifelong medications, and the desire for connections. It is a perennial issue.

In conclusion, I must remind myself that I am in my winter season. The past is over, and I can never relive them. Live my winter year(s) joyfully, gracefully, peacefully, and with gratitude.

All The world's A Stage

 

I was pondering and musing about the stages of life, and then William Shakespeare came to my mind. I vividly remember this famous monologue of his:

I am not sure if students today still read William Shakespeare. Back in 1971, when I was in my secondary 3, I read this famous play. The monologue has stayed in my mind for 54 years!

The monologue conveys that our lives are structured into 7 stages—from infancy to old age. These stages reflect the natural progression of life from birth to death. The roles we play at each stage (from baby, child, teenager, lover, and husband, etc.) are temporary. But the twist at the final stage gives a sense of irony and melancholy. The final stage—old age—is described as a "second childishness and mere oblivion," suggesting that we return to dependency and loss of self. It gives a bitterness and an almost tragic tone to the way life comes full circle. This monologue was written in 1599. How true.

My Journal

 

 

I was casually contemplating whether to continue with my journal. 

It has been more than 16 years since I wrote my last personal blog or journal entry. For me, journaling or blogging has been a joy of a habit. I use my journal to record my thoughts, feelings, musings, and reflections on life. I also used my journal to record my travels and driving adventures that I had made with Sue and Debbie. But because of some unfortunate happenings after 2006, I halted my journaling altogether. And in the more recent years when my health was deteriorating, I wanted to revive my journal to keep a record of the situation. But unfortunately, I was not in the state to do so. Thankfully, Sue & Debbie continued to maintain a handwritten record of the events, their words of encouragement for me, of people who were around us, and of things, in a little notebook next to my hospital bed, where I was hospitalized for most of the time.

But, 2 months ago, I began to feel some kind of an awakening. It was an awakening from a prolonged slump after my liver transplant. I told myself that I should start recording my personal recovery journey in a journal. It was the 1st of May, 2025.

I had intended for my personal journal to be a raw and off-the-cuff record of my reflection & self-expression. As well as a recording of my personal thoughts and experiences. I also wanted to use my journal to record my gratitude and gratefulness to many people. They were there keeping an eye on me, nudging me along, looking over their shoulder for me, whispering words of encouragement in my ears, and never giving up on me when I was lost and in despair and had given up hope in my life. It also serves as a record of my personal recovery journey, my struggle with pain, and the side effects from my medications. 

When I started this journal, I did not consider that there would be other people who would want to read it. I just want to record what is going on and what my thoughts are. I share my journal with Sue and Debbie because they want to be kept updated on my recovery progress, as well as my thoughts and feelings. 

But, in the recent 2 months, people who have seen me transiting from a languishing state (wheelchair-bound, immobile, needing a caregiver's help, and in pain) to a recovered state (independent, without my wheelchair & walking stick, and without a caregiver) were surprised to see my sudden rapid recovery. They are the people who care and would like to know about my recovery journey. They are the 2 handfuls of people (Sue, Debbie, my sister, a good friend, my pastor, and a few medical staff who have taken care of me) with whom I have shared my personal journal.

In conclusion, I would like to think that my journal has served its intended purpose. And so, I will joyfully continue writing my journal.

One Year Post-Transplant

My private home line came to life, and rang on the quiet night of 10 July 2024. It was 3 am. The call was from the Singapore General Hospital. The hospital staff told Sue that they had a matching liver for me. And that she needed to bring me to the hospital immediately within 1 hour.

The words from the hospital staff sent a jolt of adrenaline through us. At that point in time, I was languishing and teetering on the precipice of life. But, all of a sudden, I was presented with a gift of life. A second chance to live.

Just 2 months ago, in May 2024, my doctor, Dr Thinesh Lee had spoken to my wife, Sue, and my daughter, Debbie, that I cannot give up half way on my liver transplant workup. At that time, I requested the hospital to discharge me, and that, I no longer want to continue with the workup. Dr Thinesh told Sue & Debbie that if I don't finish my workup, I will not be in the queue for liver. That is, if I don't get a donor liver any time soon, I will not live beyond 2024.

While I was on my way to the hospital, my mind was a blur of racing thoughts. I could feel the weight of the situation pressing down on me. It was a contradictory mixture of hope and fear.

We arrived at the Hospital Emergency at about 4am. After a 45 minutes wait, the hospital told us that the deceased liver is not ready. We were told to go back home to get some sleep.

Later, at about 10am, the hospital called again, to ask me to go back to the hospital to prepare me for the surgery. I was swiftly wheeled away by a liver transplant coordinator, Ms Gaya, as soon as I arrived. The waiting was agonizing. But the surgical team has to ensure that the liver from the deceased person is disease-free and suitable for transplantation. They worked tirelessly. Each passing minute felt like an eternity to me. A stark reminder of the fragility of life and the immense responsibility entrusted to these medical professionals.

By evening,  Ms Gaya, together with another liver transplant coordinator, Ms Quah Yue Ling, were busily preparing me for the surgery. They become the only 2 faces that remained beside me throughout my 1-year post-transplant journey. They saw with their eyes how I journeyed from being gravely ill and bedridden, with a dementia-like mind and languishing frame, to almost full recovery today.

Finally, I was wheeled into the operating room at around 8pm on 11 July for my liver transplant. If I remember correctly, the liver transplantation took a lot more than 10 hours. The operation was a success. Sue was informed of the success at about 8am on 12 July 2025.

One year later, reflecting on that life-altering night and the subsequent surgery, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of awe and thankfulness. In the recent 2 months, I started to recall the events on that momentous day. I could remember vividly my emotions then and everything that happened on 11 July. All these emotions and memories were buried deep somewhere in my mind, and I have not shared them with any single person.

The 1-year post-transplant journey has been very challenging. I was saddled with agonizing pain, immobility, a loss of memory, frustration, and the many side effects from the medications. I was languishing and in a deep slump.

The days that followed were filled with medications, lab tests, scans, emergencies, physical rehabilitation, and reviews by my liver team, endocrinologist, and kidney specialist. And throughout the whole year, I have quietly done plenty of emotional processing on my part. For the first 8 months (from 11 July 2024 to early April 2025), I was immobile, and my physical & mental states were completely off. But, by mid April  to end April, I could feel that my physical and mental states started surging back to power. I started to recall things, events, the doctors, nurses, and the people in my life. I started to walk without my wheelchair and walking stick. I no longer need my diapers. I can dress myself and go for my medical appointments on my own by public transport. All these become possible because of the dedication of the medical team from SGH. Now, I live each day feeling grateful and filled with gratitude to all the medical staff and my family. I now live with renewed purpose, cherishing every moment and striving to make the most of the precious gift I have been given.

On 12 June, I have my 1-year post-transplant appointment with my liver team. This is a crucial milestone for all transplant patients. The original appointed date was supposed to be 10 July. But because my blood & urine tests done on 2 June have shown some severe complications to my damaged kidney, the liver team decided to advance my appointment date earlier out of urgency.

To me, the appointment, which is to review my condition, was like a get-together. Consultant Dr Chanda Ho, Transplant Coordinator Ms Quah Yue Ling, Pharmacist Ms Yee Mei Ling, and a lady doctor whom I have seen many times but am unable to remember her name, were at the review. They were all very astonished, happy and excited to see that I have recovered very well - on my own without Sue's help, without the wheelchair or walking stick, and looking good.

In addition, I am also very grateful to the family of the deceased whose liver now lives in me. I am not allow to know who the deceased is nor their family, but my gratitude to them goes beyond words.