To know or not to know, that is the question. There are situations where knowing the truth might be emotionally challenging. Under such situations, maybe ignorance is preferable. I am talking about knowing my mortality, or rather, when my life will end.
The thing is, knowing led me to insights, improved decision-making, and allowed me to take the right action. It empowers me to make informed decisions and take control of my life. But, on the other hand, such truth has been difficult, unsettling, and painful for me to face. It has led me to some extent of anxiety, fear, and depression.
Not knowing the truth of my situation is perhaps less daunting than facing a "known" for me. It may give me a sense of normalcy and hope.
Looking at the scale of knowing:
"Not knowing that you don't know.
Knowing that you don't know. Not knowing that you know.
Knowing that you know."
Here, I'm talking about knowing my survivability or mortality as a liver transplant patient with a complex medical condition. Having studied diligently the studies and survey statistics done on liver transplant patients by Singapore's NUH & SGH, the National Library of Medicine, and the Mayo Clinic, as well as other reputable studies, I have now arrived at my conclusion. I am not likely to live beyond 5 years after my transplant on 10 July 2024. Which means my expiry date is any time from now to 9 July 2029!
According to the various studies, the factors that will determine when I will expire are as follows :
1. Age Factor—At 69 years old now, my survivability is a lot poorer as compared to a younger person. In view of this, some liver specialists from the US had discussed whether to have a cutoff age of 68 for liver transplants. I had my liver transplant last year (July 2024) at 68 years old.
2. Patient Medical Issues—My damaged left kidney, which is medically induced, has serious implications for my survivability. The irreversible damage to my kidney is mainly caused by my lifelong anti-rejection drug "Advagraf."
3. Gender—The survivability for males is poorer than for females.
4. Source of my transplanted liver—My transplanted liver came from a deceased person. Survivability in this case is poorer compared to if the liver comes from a living donor.
In conclusion, based on the facts of my situation and the factors influencing my survivability, I'm not likely to live beyond 5 years. My age, my complex medical conditions, my gender, and my having a deceased liver will decide when, between now and July 2029, my life will expire.
On the whole, viewing my situations through a bird's-eye view has actually strengthened my resolve to live. Miracles do happen. And there are exceptions.
Hi Mr Ding!! Natasha here (from NDC!)
ReplyDeleteYour blog has been so eye opening and inspiring to read (thank you for sharing it with me! It has truly been a gift) and this post was particularly thought provoking to me.
It reminds me of this Latin phrase “Momento Mori” which i first heard of a few years ago. Loosely translated, it translates to “remember that you must die”. When i first heard it, I found it so unsettling and difficult to think about, and perhaps you may too when you first hear about it.
However, upon further reflection and reading i realise its actually a very beautiful philosophy to have, and then learnt many catholic nuns and priests actually frequently practice this “momento Mori’ philosophy by frequently reflecting on their mortality in order to live a more meaningful and purposeful life.
To me it has been a poignant reminder to me that no one’s time on earth is unlimited- only when we acknowledge our mortality then can we allow ourselves to focus on what matters, to appreciate the present moment and not worry so much about the future!
(Side note: after i learnt about this philosophy of momento mori i realised that it even inspired a lot of art work!)
To me momento Mori reminds me of when you’re on a holiday and you know the trip is coming to an end, when you start to savour and cherish each moment you have! As opposed to viewing life as an endless boring cycle which so many of us tend to do.
Whether we have 5, 10, 50 or 100 years left to live, it doesn’t matter how much time we have left but how we choose to spend that time.
I will keep you in my prayers, Mr Ding! And i truly believe that miracles are possible. May momento Mori serve as a reminder that we should not and cannot let fear and anxiety take control of our lives as it could rob us of the great opportunities and joys that life has to offer!
Dear Dr Natasha, I want to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on my journal. And, sharing with me the philosophy behind "Momento Mori." To a large extent, the Latin phrase serves as an important reminder and a good philosophy for me. Now I know - "remember that you must die." Acknowledge our mortality and live a more meaningful & purposeful life. Appreciate the moment and not worry so much about the future. But, somehow, knowing what is to come for me is emotionally challenging. Not because I am afraid of dying, but because I am unable to detached myself from my love ones, family members and good friends.
ReplyDeleteI embrace the philosophy of "Momento Mori," and will want to live my life meaningfully now, and seize the day, and not worry about the future.
I appreciate your timely sharing of the philosophy of "Momento Mori." Thank you very much.