Awakening from my Deep Slump

Preface: This journal entry was made on the 1st of May 2025 and updated on the 23rd of August 2025.

The 4 seasons best describe what I have been going through in the last 1 year.

Today is the 1st day of May. It is nearing the end of Spring, and transiting into the cheerful Summer. But, before the arrival of Spring, from December to February, I was painfully struggling through the dark and cold winter of my life. Then, I was desperately trying to cling on to the little hope that was left for me. And I was trying to reread a book by Charles R. Swindoll—"Come Before Winter and Share My Hope."

When Spring approached in March, I realized that I had finally escaped from the cold NE monsoon unscathed. And as April approached, flowers were blooming, signalling a new beginning for me. I started to feel a new lease of life had returned for me, and I was recovering well. I am now looking forward to the arrival of Summer, the best season.

9 months have passed since my liver transplant, which was on 11 July 2024. But, in the last 2 months, with the arrival of Spring, I have begun to feel as if I have just awoken from a deep slump.

I can sense that my physical and mental state are changing rapidly for the better. In the last 2 weeks, I have dumped my wheelchair and walking stick. For the last 1 year, I have been living in pain and been immobile. I was either languishing in my bed at home or hospitalized. My only activity is travelling from home to the hospital for my regular 1 to 2 hospital visits every week to see 3 specialists—the liver team, a renal specialist, and an endocrinologist. Plus regular blood and urine tests. In addition to all these visits, there were emergencies like painful ribcage, painful & swollen knee, fractures, unbearable pain all over my body, and inflammation in my body.

But, in the last 5 days, I did the unimaginable things. I brought my active 5-year-old granddaughter out for the very first time. We have some adventures travelling on the public transport as well as visiting Bedok Mall. I went out without the aid of my walking stick. I must have walked with my granddaughter for at least 4 km.

Physically, I can feel that I am a lot stronger, and I am now MOBILE. Having said that, I must admit that my walking is still very unsteady, as my balancing is still off. I can only walk slowly. I still feel some pain in my legs, and I need to have frequent stops to rest my feet.

With my improving mobility, I decided to challenge myself. I will go for my next 2 medical appointments on the 2nd and 5th of May, on my own. I will do it without the aid of my walking stick and travelling by public transport. I have come a long way...

Mentally, I can feel that I am a lot more alert now. I can recall many things, events & people in my life. And I am able to analyze and execute difficult tasks. Compared to before, when I was completely hopeless—unable to even operate my handphone! Now, I am a lot more independent, and I can figure out how to go about conducting my life. My brain is like how I was 25 years ago when I retired.

I have decided to start this new journal to record the progress of my recovery and to muse & reflect on the journey of my second chance in life.

Footnote:

•Dec - Mar: refers to winter. With the NE monsoon, the days are dark and cold. It represents a period of waiting, struggles, and an ending.

•Mar - May: refers to spring. With light winds and breezes. It represents a new beginning with flowers blooming all over.

•Jun - Sep: refers to summer. With the SW monsoon, plants grow quickly. It represents passion.

•Sep - Nov: refers to autumn. With light winds and evening thunderstorms, trees lose their leaves. It represents change and reflection.

From Start to End

 

Once, we were, or will be...

I was once someone’s baby,

Someone’s son,

Someone’s brother,

Someone’s lover,

Someone’s husband,

Someone’s father,

And now, I am Someone’s grandfather,

And then, someone's memory…

As I look back, while life is filled with many ups and downs, and many challenges, I am happy to have lived through the fulfilling 7 stages successfully without missing any.

Thank You SY, Jessie And Beverly

 

Two days ago (19 July 2025), I attended the ‘Liver Transplant Support Group’ gathering for the first time. One year and 8 days have passed since I had my liver transplant. From pre-transplant (8 May to 10 July 2024) to post-transplant (from 11 July 2024 to now.) Before the end of April 2025, I was mostly in pain, immobile, and sometimes lost, and confused. I was in a state of delirium. But I could sense and selectively remember some of the people who were there, guiding me through that darkest period of my life. They include surgeons, specialist doctors/consultants, medical doctors/coordinating medical staff, and nurses. The latter 2 groups (medical doctors/coordinating medical staff, and nurses) have a special place in my heart. They will remain in my memory and my dreams for a long time. They are like my guardian angels. They are the ones who give me encouraging smile, whisper encouragement into my ears, and give me the thumbs-up sign. I can just rattle off their names - Dr Samantha Koh, Gaya, Yue Ling, SY (Seok Yin), Beverly, Jessie, Ann Chow, Mei Ling, Dr Brian Goh, Prof Tan Han Kim, Dr Kek, Dr Thinesh, Dr Chanda Ho, Dr Rahul (CGH) and many more. There were some whose names I do not know or cannot recall. In the next couple of months, as I continue to look through my notebooks (kept beside me during my long hospitalizations), my personal records, as well as when more of my memories return, I shall record them in my Journal.

At the liver transplant support group meeting, I was overwhelmed with a wave of emotions when I met 3 of my guardian angels - SY, Jessie, and Beverly. I vividly remember SY’s signature ‘thumbs-up’ sign for me, and the kind and encouraging smile from Beverly and Jessie. The reason I got emotional is because I thought I would not be able to get the opportunity to say thank you to them. They were there together with the liver team during my appointments, and responded to me when I called the SGH Liver Coordinator hotline for advice related to my liver transplant. Although they were masked up all the time, I could remember them through their eyes, accessories, and gestures, and I know when they smile even with their mask on.

The above photo shows SY (Seok Yin) standing on the extreme left. She gave a very good talk to all of us (liver transplant patients and those who are waiting to do so), as well as some timely reminders on the dos and don'ts. The next lady in uniform is Jessie. Beverly (also in uniform) is right at the far end of the room on the right side of the photo.

Here is a photo taken with Jessie (on my right) and Beverly (on my left). Their fingers show a symbolic 11, which was the date of my transplant. I wish I could also take a photo with SY (with her unique 2-color crocs).

A letter of gratitude and thankfulness, and 3 lovely roses dedicated to SY, Jessie, and Beverly:

Dearest SY, Jessie and Beverly,

My words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you. Seeing all of you make me want to tears. It was a happy day. Your kindness have shone through and leaving an imprint in my heart.

To SY - Today is the first time I saw you giving a very good long talk. You were normally quiet. I remember you for your signature ‘thumbs-up’ sign to me, as well as your kindly smile. Your ‘thumbs-up’ is like a beacon in a dark night, giving me the courage to keep going even when I doubted myself. It was a simple and yet powerful ‘thumbs-up.’ Thank you, SY.

To Jessie - Your kind smile always radiates a calming effect. The last time I communicated with you was just about  3~4 weeks ago, through the SGH Liver Coordinator hotline. Even a simple communication with you brought a sense of calm to me. Thank you, Jessie, for your gentle support.

To Beverly - Your infectious smile is like a joyful ray, dispelling fears and brightens my day. Your smile gives me the feeling that there are goodness and hope in this world, and radiates a kind of peace. It is a memory that I would cherish. Thank you, Beverly.

I am very happy to be able to record my ‘Thank You’ and express my gratitude to all of you now before I can't.

With Appreciation, 

Mr Ding Ting Hock

21-7-25

You Can’t Go Back To Your Age Again

A few days ago, I was pondering the famous monologue by William Shakespeare's "All The World's A Stage." While deliberating and musing on the monologue, I was prompted to reflect on and think about the stage of life I am in - The Final Stage. At this point, my energy level, way of looking at things, thoughts, and emotions are very different from those of my 6-year-old granddaughter, Beano, and my 40-year-old daughter, Debbie.

Beano, being a kid, is in her childhood stage. At this age, she is full of energy. She enjoys playing and is on the verge of seeing what is real and what is not (Santa Claus, Fairies, Dracula, Monsters, etc...are they real?) She is well loved and protected. And she loves her mummy and grandparents (Gong Gong & Po Po) dearly. For Beano, it is her springtime. While Debbie, at 40 years old, is an adult. She is full of drive, highly motivated, hard at work, and determined to climb the ladder to reach new heights. Debbie is living amid her summer time now. 

I was once a 6-year-old, and I live like Beano does. I was once 40 years old too, and I live life just like Debbie is doing now. But, I am now 69 years old, living with a transplanted liver and a complex medical condition. I can no longer relive life like Beano or Debbie now. I can only relive the moment. That's, I can mentally remember and recall the past stages of my life with vivid details and emotions. I can't go back to the past stages of my life and live like those times again. That kind of energy, state of mind, and feelings at the various stages can never be present again. Once a stage is past, it can never come back again. What is left, is only my memories 

I have lived each stage of my life only once. Once that stage is passed, I can no longer relive that stage again. Each stage brings with it a very different kind of energy in me, the way I view things, and emotions. To me, the 4 seasons - Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter can more or less characterize the stages of my life.

I would like to think that whatever the stages of life I have been in or am in now, I have always welcomed them with a heart of joy, despite all the ups and downs. I embraced all the life’s journey: the wonder of infancy, the playful years of childhood, the transformative journey of adolescence, the passionate and intensified pursuit of love and career in my young adulthood, the fulfilling responsibilities of family and career in adulthood, the reflective wisdom of middle age, the anticipated joys of retirement, and the peaceful acceptance of my life's final chapter.

Spring

Spring symbolizes awakening of life, and a new beginning. It represents a transition from darkness to light. It signifies the awakening of life, with flowers blooming, and animals emerging from hibernation. It was the time when my life began to unfold like a storybook. Chapter by chapter, from infancy to childhood, and from childhood to teenage years.

•Infancy - I felt the warm embrace of my family members and my parents. And despite my helplessness, I felt safe. It was contentment.

•Childhood - This stage was probably my most memorable period. It was a period of exploration, playfulness, and imaginativeness They were the carefree and playful years that was filled with fun & laughter. My playgrounds were everywhere - on the ground infront of my house, in the nearby drain, in the chicken coop, in the bushes near my house, and everywhere at home. My best childhood years in Sitiawan was abruptly ended when I was uprooted to Singapore at age 9.

(Afternote: With Debbie’s help, I have done an audio recording based on my memory of my childhood years in Sitiawan. The record covers my vivid memories of my old house, the surrounding areas, my primary school - Methodist English School, my neighbours - the Ross family & the kong pain house, and the blue St Anne’s Chapel.)

• Adolescence - It was marked by the onset of puberty and physical changes. And I begin to have my own thinking. My energy level was high, but, I was not rebellious. I spent a lot of my time and energy in swimming. And I competed at the National School Level. I also put my time to study. It was at this period that I started charting my career choice. I decided and shared with my friends that I wanted to be an engineer. I was 16 then. And I had my flutter of first crushes (with Sue). This period brought with it a whirlwind of emotions and a spirit of wanting to break free.

Summer

Summertime symbolizes a period of peak energy, vitality, and growth. It was a time of abundance, joy, optimism, passion, and the fruition of hard work for me. It was the most intense season for me.

•Young Adult - For me, it was the excitement of new beginnings and challenges. There was this hush and rush of falling in love. And my determined focus on my career development. I was filled with dreams and aspirations. I set out to pursue my goal and Sue. I studied at the Singapore Polytechnic and then the National University of Singapore. After my graduation, I joined the Republic of Singapore Navy as a uniformed military engineer.

•Adulthood - Life at this stage was fast and furious. It was the most hectic period in all my stages of life. And the time passed quickly as well. I worked hard to climb my career ladder, built and juggled my family responsibilities, and spent priority time with Debbie and Sue. By my early 40s, I was overworked, exhausted, and burned out. I don't have a mid-life crisis, but, nevertheless, I seriously re-examined my life priorities. I was then under the pensionable service scheme (retirement at 60 years old only). And if I resign early, I stand to lose my lifetime pensions. After much thought and discussions with Sue, I decided and submitted my resignation letter for early release from my pensionable service at age 44.

Autumn

Autumn represents the shift from the vibrant growth of summer to a period of dormancy and reflection. It is a period to travel, explore hobbies, and enjoy leisurely days, before the gentle waves of aging lead us to a peaceful sunset, embracing the memories of a life well-lived.

•Middle Age - Initially I thought this was going to be my best stage in life. I thought this was a period for me to savour the fruits of my labour. Unfortunately, it was not to be. It turned out good initially but became the worst near the end. Overall it was a time well spent, and I was like slowing down, just like how farmers feel at the end of a harvesting season. Sue and I spent time traveling, doing drive trips and kept our days quiet. Nearing the end of my middle age, I saw my health deteriorating and soon I was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. I was languishing in my illness, and progressively became immobile, and a loss of memory. I was in pain, despair, and loss of hope for life. With God’s grace, miraculously, I was given a second chance in life - a liver transplant, with liver from a deceased. This period was also a time for deep reflection.

Winter 

Winter symbolises the final stage of life. It represents dormancy, ending, and introspection. The cold winter brought with it challenges and struggles.

•Old Age - Now, with the autumn wind right behind me, I have sailed out of autumn into the harsh cold winter. It was a graceful transition into the cold winter. Initially I was not used to the winter, but I am loving it now. It is the stage at the end of the 4 seasons. I could feel a deep sense  of closure, gratefulness & gratitude, peace, satisfaction, and tranquil. But this stage brings with it the winter blues - the pain, immobility, side effects of my lifelong medications, and the desire for connections. It is a perennial issue.

In conclusion, I must remind myself that I am in my winter season. The past is over, and I can never relive them. Live my winter year(s) joyfully, gracefully, peacefully, and with gratitude.

All The world's A Stage

 

I was pondering and musing about the stages of life, and then William Shakespeare came to my mind. I vividly remember this famous monologue of his:

I am not sure if students today still read William Shakespeare. Back in 1971, when I was in my secondary 3, I read this famous play. The monologue has stayed in my mind for 54 years!

The monologue conveys that our lives are structured into 7 stages—from infancy to old age. These stages reflect the natural progression of life from birth to death. The roles we play at each stage (from baby, child, teenager, lover, and husband, etc.) are temporary. But the twist at the final stage gives a sense of irony and melancholy. The final stage—old age—is described as a "second childishness and mere oblivion," suggesting that we return to dependency and loss of self. It gives a bitterness and an almost tragic tone to the way life comes full circle. This monologue was written in 1599. How true.

My Journal

 

 

I was casually contemplating whether to continue with my journal. 

It has been more than 16 years since I wrote my last personal blog or journal entry. For me, journaling or blogging has been a joy of a habit. I use my journal to record my thoughts, feelings, musings, and reflections on life. I also used my journal to record my travels and driving adventures that I had made with Sue and Debbie. But because of some unfortunate happenings after 2006, I halted my journaling altogether. And in the more recent years when my health was deteriorating, I wanted to revive my journal to keep a record of the situation. But unfortunately, I was not in the state to do so. Thankfully, Sue & Debbie continued to maintain a handwritten record of the events, their words of encouragement for me, of people who were around us, and of things, in a little notebook next to my hospital bed, where I was hospitalized for most of the time.

But, 2 months ago, I began to feel some kind of an awakening. It was an awakening from a prolonged slump after my liver transplant. I told myself that I should start recording my personal recovery journey in a journal. It was the 1st of May, 2025.

I had intended for my personal journal to be a raw and off-the-cuff record of my reflection & self-expression. As well as a recording of my personal thoughts and experiences. I also wanted to use my journal to record my gratitude and gratefulness to many people. They were there keeping an eye on me, nudging me along, looking over their shoulder for me, whispering words of encouragement in my ears, and never giving up on me when I was lost and in despair and had given up hope in my life. It also serves as a record of my personal recovery journey, my struggle with pain, and the side effects from my medications. 

When I started this journal, I did not consider that there would be other people who would want to read it. I just want to record what is going on and what my thoughts are. I share my journal with Sue and Debbie because they want to be kept updated on my recovery progress, as well as my thoughts and feelings. 

But, in the recent 2 months, people who have seen me transiting from a languishing state (wheelchair-bound, immobile, needing a caregiver's help, and in pain) to a recovered state (independent, without my wheelchair & walking stick, and without a caregiver) were surprised to see my sudden rapid recovery. They are the people who care and would like to know about my recovery journey. They are the 2 handfuls of people (Sue, Debbie, my sister, a good friend, my pastor, and a few medical staff who have taken care of me) with whom I have shared my personal journal.

In conclusion, I would like to think that my journal has served its intended purpose. And so, I will joyfully continue writing my journal.

One Year Post-Transplant

My private home line came to life, and rang on the quiet night of 10 July 2024. It was 3 am. The call was from the Singapore General Hospital. The hospital staff told Sue that they had a matching liver for me. And that she needed to bring me to the hospital immediately within 1 hour.

The words from the hospital staff sent a jolt of adrenaline through us. At that point in time, I was languishing and teetering on the precipice of life. But, all of a sudden, I was presented with a gift of life. A second chance to live.

Just 2 months ago, in May 2024, my doctor, Dr Thinesh Lee had spoken to my wife, Sue, and my daughter, Debbie, that I cannot give up half way on my liver transplant workup. At that time, I requested the hospital to discharge me, and that, I no longer want to continue with the workup. Dr Thinesh told Sue & Debbie that if I don't finish my workup, I will not be in the queue for liver. That is, if I don't get a donor liver any time soon, I will not live beyond 2024.

While I was on my way to the hospital, my mind was a blur of racing thoughts. I could feel the weight of the situation pressing down on me. It was a contradictory mixture of hope and fear.

We arrived at the Hospital Emergency at about 4am. After a 45 minutes wait, the hospital told us that the deceased liver is not ready. We were told to go back home to get some sleep.

Later, at about 10am, the hospital called again, to ask me to go back to the hospital to prepare me for the surgery. I was swiftly wheeled away by a liver transplant coordinator, Ms Gaya, as soon as I arrived. The waiting was agonizing. But the surgical team has to ensure that the liver from the deceased person is disease-free and suitable for transplantation. They worked tirelessly. Each passing minute felt like an eternity to me. A stark reminder of the fragility of life and the immense responsibility entrusted to these medical professionals.

By evening,  Ms Gaya, together with another liver transplant coordinator, Ms Quah Yue Ling, were busily preparing me for the surgery. They become the only 2 faces that remained beside me throughout my 1-year post-transplant journey. They saw with their eyes how I journeyed from being gravely ill and bedridden, with a dementia-like mind and languishing frame, to almost full recovery today.

Finally, I was wheeled into the operating room at around 8pm on 11 July for my liver transplant. If I remember correctly, the liver transplantation took a lot more than 10 hours. The operation was a success. Sue was informed of the success at about 8am on 12 July 2025.

One year later, reflecting on that life-altering night and the subsequent surgery, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of awe and thankfulness. In the recent 2 months, I started to recall the events on that momentous day. I could remember vividly my emotions then and everything that happened on 11 July. All these emotions and memories were buried deep somewhere in my mind, and I have not shared them with any single person.

The 1-year post-transplant journey has been very challenging. I was saddled with agonizing pain, immobility, a loss of memory, frustration, and the many side effects from the medications. I was languishing and in a deep slump.

The days that followed were filled with medications, lab tests, scans, emergencies, physical rehabilitation, and reviews by my liver team, endocrinologist, and kidney specialist. And throughout the whole year, I have quietly done plenty of emotional processing on my part. For the first 8 months (from 11 July 2024 to early April 2025), I was immobile, and my physical & mental states were completely off. But, by mid April  to end April, I could feel that my physical and mental states started surging back to power. I started to recall things, events, the doctors, nurses, and the people in my life. I started to walk without my wheelchair and walking stick. I no longer need my diapers. I can dress myself and go for my medical appointments on my own by public transport. All these become possible because of the dedication of the medical team from SGH. Now, I live each day feeling grateful and filled with gratitude to all the medical staff and my family. I now live with renewed purpose, cherishing every moment and striving to make the most of the precious gift I have been given.

On 12 June, I have my 1-year post-transplant appointment with my liver team. This is a crucial milestone for all transplant patients. The original appointed date was supposed to be 10 July. But because my blood & urine tests done on 2 June have shown some severe complications to my damaged kidney, the liver team decided to advance my appointment date earlier out of urgency.

To me, the appointment, which is to review my condition, was like a get-together. Consultant Dr Chanda Ho, Transplant Coordinator Ms Quah Yue Ling, Pharmacist Ms Yee Mei Ling, and a lady doctor whom I have seen many times but am unable to remember her name, were at the review. They were all very astonished, happy and excited to see that I have recovered very well - on my own without Sue's help, without the wheelchair or walking stick, and looking good.

In addition, I am also very grateful to the family of the deceased whose liver now lives in me. I am not allow to know who the deceased is nor their family, but my gratitude to them goes beyond words.